Regret.

Why do you ask everyone but me to help? Its like you assume I know nothing other than design. I see everything. I hear everything.

I am livid.

I feel so lost – I do not know what to do or how to act. Everything that has happened between me and you is the worst part of my life. I regret things that I shouldn’t have to regret.

Advertisements

You are weird

Why are you being so weird today?

Well, let me tell you.

You have deeply offended me. You said that nothing existed before. You wiped me out of your memory and that is so hateful. So hurtful to me and all you can do is turn it around on me as If I have done everything and anything wrong.

I wish the best for you. But I no longer want your friendship. I am better off without you.

Self centered bitch.

So, here we are again.

I answered the phone and didnt take any details and you felt the need to be little me and tell me I had done it all wrong.

I told you i didnt want this today and that I couldnt cope with it, and yet again you have made it out to be me in a mood and you who ‘cant be bothered’ – that’s fine. stop bullshiting me all the time then if you are not bothered.

You want me to care, you want me to listen, you want me to be on your side and most of all you want to feel like you are wanted and needed. But I have literally had enough. I will not be texting you or messaging you.

I mention anything that you may have done to hurt me and you kick off as if I am being incredibly offensive. Why is it that no-one can say anything remotely against what you think or say. I think you are so self-centered that you cannot see what is outside of you.

If only you knew that your version of ‘constructive critism’  is more like a weapon you use to devalue others. Would you change the way you act – will anyone eveer get through to you?

Or will you forever be this way?

What is it that you are missing?

Not Today.

Why is it that I stand up for myself and see it as a personal dig to you. Why are you making this about me?

You were rude to me. You always are and yet when I call you up on it. You don’t apologise you believe im beneath you. It is shocking and I always come off feeling like I am in the wrong and somehow you manage to make me apologise.

Not today lady. Not today.

Good habits

I have been reading up on habits that might help me.

Ones that have stuck out to me are:

 

  1. SLEEP & DUVET DAYS

Waking up at the same time each day even if you don’t get up.

Proper rest breaks throughout the day

Duvet days:

Keep a colouring book, crayons, or a science book/mag.

Keeping a good book handy all the time… something that will keep my attention for a bit for mindless entertainment.

 

  1. EATING & DRINKING

Keeping hydrated:

I use a Camelbak 2L and drink it throughout the day, helps me keep track of whether I am drinking or not.

Eating:

I have a stockpile of easy stuff in like tinned soup or spaghetti and sausages.

Having fruit and healthy snacks around.

 

  1. KEEPING CLEAN

I take bath instead of a shower because it takes less effort than showering.

Shower at night so you don’t have to think about showering and getting dressed at the same time.

Multi-task to make life as simple as possible,like brush your teeth in shower.

 

  1. GETTING DRESSED

For me on dark days comfortable clothes are an absolute must.

I live in lounge wear!

And the ultimate getting-dressed-but-not hack:

If you can’t face getting dressed, change your PJs!

  1. GETTING OUT

I try and get out every day or open the windows and doors and let the breeze in.

Sitting in the garden in the sunshine.

  1. BOOSTING BRAINPOWER

Get a pill box for when your cognition is crap.

Using Netflix – creating a list so that you can go straight to something instead of having to make a decision.

Write everything down – note down mood changes and headaches.

  1. DEALING WITH PEOPLE

I hold back from unnecessary social contact.

Reach out to people you trust

Accept help from others.

  1. EXERCISE

Each morning I push myself to do some form of exercise to release my endorphins.

Even a small burst of excercise at the gym after work is enough to uplift my mood.

 

  1. GETTING STUFF DONE

I make a list of jobs that I need to complete but do not put a deadline on them so I can do what I can when I can.

 

  1. EMOTIONAL CARE

It’s OK to be depressed.

I didn’t choose it. I didn’t create it.

I try to just ‘go’ with my bad days, rather than fight them, because fighting depression is exhausting.

Daily

People keep asking me about the girl I am with.

How is it going?

Is it going well?

How do I deal with the fact that I have no idea. I have no idea how to describe how I feel. What I am expecting and where I think it might go. I feel like im winging it and I feel guilty about it. I have been concentrating so much on getting things right and doing things the right way I forgot to look at how I feel.

Social pressures and expectations of me is that I should be with someone, live a healthy lifestyle and be in control of my life and I am not. I feel that it takes all my strength to live my life – to be a part of society and not have a breakdown every day.

I don’t think that anyone understands how I feel or how much I struggle.