How is it that all this time has past and yet I miss you. I miss your laugh, your face, your smile and I cannot stop thinking about you.

I made a mistake. I should have tried. I should have been there. I was scared and ran for my life.

I hurt everyday that I wake up without you. I am so sorry.


You and me

Why is it that we find a common ground and I feel a little more complete then I did before. I cannot explain it apart from knowing that we are suposed to be in each others lives.

I feel sad that I have hurt you and I feel that you have forgiven me for a lot of things. You seem lighter like you have taken on board things that I have said.

I listen to everything you say, I want the best for you. I wish you could see through the front that you put on so we could be happy.


So, yet again I have upset someone else. How can I get better at this? Honesty – being up front and not hiding my feelings and who I am.

I feel really stressed at the idea that she knows, shes not going to let this go. There will be more questions. I will have to tell her the truth and it will not be good.

I feel edgy and a little off my game.

I feel like a terrible person who make a terrible decison and now my life feels so much more complicated when it is supposed to feel clearer.

Been a while

It has been a while since I posted anything. But a lot has happened since.

I had my first counselling session today at the Jade centre. He was pleasant but at first I was on my guard but by the end of the session I had admitted some serious flaws in my self esteem, character and genera emotional state.

I learnt things about myself I never knew. I have kept a part of myself a secret from myself and when I was in that room and he was asking me questions I was answering without to much thinking and it all came flooding out. It shocked me and made me feel emotional and I couldn’t stop letting it out.

I struggle to let it out, I build walls to keep other people safe from me. From my distress, from my darkness.

I have been on self destruct and although I feel I am coming out of it, I am worried that things are going to get worse before they get better.

I broke up with my partner because I’m scared, because I built a wall because I was convinced that I would hurt her. I stopped it before I could hurt her to much and now I hurt, alot.

Taking control

Its tuesday and I am already waiting for the weekend to arrive so I can relax. I have hockey on friday which is good.

I feel motivated in thought to change my eating and drinking habits however in reality I find it incredibly hard to make change like that because things become about whether I deserve them or not.

Why does everything revolve around whether I think I am a good enough person to enjoy something? ‘I can’t have that – I am not worthy of having it’.

Sounds weird to say it [out loud].

I go back to my flat where I live on my own and I sit and acknoledge that I created the scenario that I am living in. I can’t control all of it but I can make positive changes. So where do I start and how do I keep control of myself?


Why do you ask everyone but me to help? Its like you assume I know nothing other than design. I see everything. I hear everything.

I am livid.

I feel so lost – I do not know what to do or how to act. Everything that has happened between me and you is the worst part of my life. I regret things that I shouldn’t have to regret.