It has been a while since I posted anything. But a lot has happened since.
I had my first counselling session today at the Jade centre. He was pleasant but at first I was on my guard but by the end of the session I had admitted some serious flaws in my self esteem, character and genera emotional state.
I learnt things about myself I never knew. I have kept a part of myself a secret from myself and when I was in that room and he was asking me questions I was answering without to much thinking and it all came flooding out. It shocked me and made me feel emotional and I couldn’t stop letting it out.
I struggle to let it out, I build walls to keep other people safe from me. From my distress, from my darkness.
I have been on self destruct and although I feel I am coming out of it, I am worried that things are going to get worse before they get better.
I broke up with my partner because I’m scared, because I built a wall because I was convinced that I would hurt her. I stopped it before I could hurt her to much and now I hurt, alot.
Its tuesday and I am already waiting for the weekend to arrive so I can relax. I have hockey on friday which is good.
I feel motivated in thought to change my eating and drinking habits however in reality I find it incredibly hard to make change like that because things become about whether I deserve them or not.
Why does everything revolve around whether I think I am a good enough person to enjoy something? ‘I can’t have that – I am not worthy of having it’.
Sounds weird to say it [out loud].
I go back to my flat where I live on my own and I sit and acknoledge that I created the scenario that I am living in. I can’t control all of it but I can make positive changes. So where do I start and how do I keep control of myself?